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Time Heals

10/10/2017

4 Comments

 
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​Although Jasmine is a barn cat, she frolics near the house. Her big belly does not deter her from playful rubs against my grandson’s leg. We stand outside Betty Johnson’s farmhouse, eager for additional delights.
 

“Come with us Nicky,” I say to my grandson. “We’ll pet calves in the barn.”
Nicky hesitates. “Will she have kittens?”
 
 “Yes, she’s pregnant,” Betty answers. “Kittens are due any day.”
 
A week later, my daughter asks, “Nicky wants to know if Jasmine had kittens?”
 
“I’ll check with Betty when I go to the Johnson’s for eggs,” I reply.
 
Later that day, Betty explains, “Ah, yes, only one, and the kitten didn’t survive. Jasmine caught an infection. She probably didn’t clean up adequately after the birth. We gave Jasmine antibiotics. Jasmine got better but the infection transferred to the kitten as she nursed. When we found Jasmine our initial reaction was to remove the dead kitty to help Jasmine overcome her loss. Instead, we decided to make Jasmine more comfortable with a cardboard box and blanket. We left the kitten with her.”
 
“Jasmine stayed with the dead kitten for a day,” Betty continued. “She was lethargic and wouldn’t leave the box. The next day Jasmine played near the house. We checked the box. The little one was gone. Jasmine probably took the kitten to the woods. If we had taken the kitten, we would have interfered with what Jasmine needed to do. Although we may think we help when we remove a dead kitten, we don’t. Jasmine needed to follow her own process of letting go.”
 
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reports 24,000 annual stillborn births for human babies born in the United States in 2015. Stillbirths represent one percent of total US pregnancies. By comparison, stillbirths exceed infant deaths from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by a factor of 10. (Facts about stillbirth. (n.d.). Retrieved from https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/stillbirth/facts.html)
 
In 2016 Rebecca Makris of Livermore, California, established the U.S. Cuddle Cot Campaign Initiative to provide hospitals with a cooling device, placed in a mother’s room, to lower the body temperature of a stillborn. Cuddle Cots extend the time for parents to bond with their infant and to say goodbye. Rebecca’s first donation was to Sutter Roseville Medical Center in Sacramento, California, for the stillbirth of Phoebe Ferguson.
 
Prior to cooling machines like Cuddle Cot, hospitals removed stillborn infants from mothers within two hours of delivery. Stillbirth bodies deteriorate rapidly. Brief initial contact, and repeat visits to the morgue, if parents wanted more time with their infant, is traumatic for all concerned.
 
“ ‘I carried her for nine months – I wanted to see her,’ said mother Stacy Ferguson. ‘I wanted to memorize every part of her. Giving her back was the hardest thing.’ ‘Every time they brought her back, it was a reminder,’ said her father, Gavin Ferguson. ‘If she were in the room with us and it were more gradual, it wouldn’t be as bad.’ ” (Caiola, S. (2016, February). Cuddle Cot gives parents of stillborn babies more time to grieve. Sacramento, California, The Scramento Bee. Retrieved from http://www.sacbee.com/news/local/health-and-medicine/healthy-choices/article61751807.html)

If this essay is meaningful, please like or tweet below or leave a comment. Thank you for your interest and possible action you may take.
 
Richard Wilberg, MS, PLCC, ACC 
Life Coach for Personal Fulfillment and Career Success

4 Comments
Francie Corry
1/1/2018 10:03:11 pm

I read this post 3 times in a row. It left a feeling with me that I was struggling to understand. Something hard to put into words. A grief, and also a trust in the grieving process. But after my third time reading this, I realized something else. We need to trust that others are on their own journey. We need to trust their process. That it is their own, that there are some things we can’t do for other people. Just like the mother cat needed to keep her kitten until she was ready to let her go- in her own way and time.
Realizing this on a deeper level, because I have accepted it to some extent before, was important for me today. I was having a conversation with a mentor of mine today who is very inspirational in the way he lives his life. He is always growing and evolving as a person. I identify with him in this way. I am committed to my continual growth- in my development as a person, in my evolving career, in my personal life. Sometimes, I become discouraged with close friends when they seem “stuck”. I see some people seeming to make the same mistakes over and over again. And not shifting or learning from their life lessons. This frustrates me. Maybe more than it should. I was discussing this with my mentor today. “I bought my friend a session with a life coach, and she didn’t even call to make an initial appointment. I mean, how much can you do for somebody?”
My mentor reminded me that not everyone is able to grow at the same pace. Or in the same way.

Maybe what makes sense from my outside perspective for someone else’s life, is not what ends up making sense to them.


Just like that mother cat. She found her own way, and if her owners had interfered, it wouldn’t have had the same effect as her going through her own process did.

I have something to learn with allowing people to go through their own processes. I can stand by them am believe in them, but I can’t judge people on my own terms. And sometimes the most loving thing to do is to take a step back and trust their own journey.


Thank you for your writing, Richard. It always seems to inspire something deep inside of me.

Reply
Richard
1/2/2018 05:22:05 pm

Francie,
Thank you for your work on your journey. I am moved by your self-reflection and commitment to your growth. Keep up the great work!

Reply
Jody Whelden link
3/26/2018 08:10:39 pm

Loved this wisdom on letting the natural process evolve on its own. And, paradoxically, helping it if something is clearly indicated. I have been a hospital chaplain in a maternal and child unit and had never heard of this cooling device. What a great thing that it is so clear mothers appreciated.

Reply
Richard
3/27/2018 04:41:25 am

Jody,
Thank you for your reflection. Yes, letting go of our desire to help is so difficult. We are here to care for others which makes tough love so difficult.

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    Richard Wilberg is a creativity coach, musician, writer, photographer, and former business leader who lives in Madison, Wisconsin.

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